I finally got off the couch around 9 and got down on the floor.  Sat in child’s pose for a while trying to decide if I could count sitting in this pose for an hour as doing yoga.  But ultimately, I hauled myself into several sun salutations.  I did about 15 min of stuff and called it a night.  Slept like the dead.

This morning, I did the first of the audio classes my friend gave me.  It was a good, hard class.  If I had been in a hot studio, I would certainly have sweat a lot more.  But it was still a good cardiac experience.  But halfway through the 60 min class, I turned it off for a while.  Just didn’t want to keep going.  And this is why I need to be physically going to class.  I need the motivation of other people there to keep me moving.  I did a few balancing poses on my own and then turned the audio file back on for some cool down.  All together, it was about an hour.  So I feel good about that.

Food hasn’t been so bad since I got here.  Not great, but not bad.  I have done absolutely no calorie counting, however, and that’s a problem.  Cause I do have a tendency to lie to myself about how many calories I have left in a day.

Tonight is the favorite sushi place.  My one and only time going there this trip.  Can’t afford to go more than once.  So I’m gonna live it up tonight.  But after, I’m going to the grocery store and I’m going to limit my eating out to once every couple of nights.  It’s so hard not to eat out when I’m here because that’s how I get to see people.  But I need to control my spending and my calories.  So we’ll see how it goes.

I am not, however, fail at my yoga challenge.  I took a morning class at the studio on December 30th to start my challenge with a bang.  And bang, I did.  Grace, the owner of Charlotte Yoga, just kicked my ass.  She kills me.  KILLS ME!

On New Year’s Eve I was at the cabin already and fortunately, was the first one awake.  So I set up my mat and my yoga app on my iphone and went to town.  Unfortunately, I was only 20 min in when my iphone battery died, because apparently I was brain dead when packing for the trip and didn’t bother to bring my charger.  So, at that point, I just made some crap up.  I went for another 30 min but don’t really know for sure how much I accomplished.  Other than to flash one of my cabin mates when she came out of her room to go to the bathroom while I was in the middle of the three point posture.  Sigh.  Again… sometimes it’s tough to be my friend.

I got back to Charlotte on New Years Day in time to hit a 4:00 class.  I learned an important lesson that day.  Namely, although drinking and eating quite a bit on NYE was fun, it was not fun enough to warrant the pain and suffering of yoga on NYD.  Lots of dizziness accompanied by some stomach pain.  But a super hot guy next to me made everything much, much better.  Nothing like a nice visual to make dizziness feel oh so much better.

I got up the next morning and hit another class at the studio.  Last one for two weeks.  Left this morning for Los Angeles and I’ll be here for two weeks.  Classes out here are too expensive.  $18 for a drop in.  Just can’t afford it.  Fortunately, a kind friend sent me some audio classes she had downloaded.  And I have the app on my phone, although I think that one is going to get awful old, awful fast.  I require variety in my obsessive sameness.  You know?  No, I know.  No one knows.  It’s hard to live in my brain, folks.  But live I do.

So tired today from jet lag and want to go back to the friend who is housing me while I’m out here and just go to sleep, but I’ll be damned if I bail on this pledge on day freakin’ five.  And that, right there, is the reason I know I am going to make it through these 360 days.  Cause I’m way too stubborn on some things to just bail.  I don’t know that I’ll do more than 5 or 6 sun salutations… just enough to get my blood pumping and my body moving.  And tomorrow morning, when I wake up hours before I need to because of my east coast body clock, I’ll do a full hour class.

That’s the plan, stan.  Check back tomorrow for follow up.

This obsessive behavior continues in my adult life.  I eat almost the same meal every day, unless I go out to eat.  But when I go out to eat, I go to a lot of the same restaurants and order the same thing I had the last time I was there.

And the really annoying thing about me is that when something seems to make sense to me, seems to make me happier than I was previously, I become convinced in my head that it can make everyone as happy as I am.  And so I go on a crusade to help make everyone happier.  How freakin’ annoying it must be to be my friend sometimes.  I do believe I’ve become better at avoiding that, for the most part.  But who knows.

Anyway, my current obsessions are knitting and yoga.  I’m not saying it’s right for everyone, but yoga seems to be the magic pill for me right now.  I’ve been going just about every day, with a few days off for injuries or because life didn’t allow it.  It’s changing my brain, it’s changing my body.  I’m off my anti-depressants.  My body is no longer experiencing those awful dizzy spells that have been driving me crazy in my weight loss for the last year.  At least, I only seem to experience them in class, and only toward the end of a hot class.  I’m guessing if I drink a Gatorade before class every time, that will solve the problem.

Most importantly, it quiets my mind.  It makes me feel peaceful inside.  Which, I know, is a HUGE cliche.  But it’s working for me.  So here’s my commitment to myself, which I am making to you so I’m accountable.

I am going to do 365 days of yoga in 2011.  I will try to get to the studio every single day, but on the days I can’t physically get there, I will do it on my own at home.  There is a teacher at Charlotte Yoga who was filling me in on his plans to do this in 2011 and so during class, I thought about all the changes I have coming up in my life.  There are decisions that need to be made and they are major.  Life is going to change, change big, and change soon.  So what could be better for me to keep my head clear, my mind focused and keep everything in perspective?

I promise to do my best not to become an annoying yogi.  I’m not giving up meat.  I know, it’s very un-yoga of me to eat bacon.  But I just am UNWILLING to make that change in life.  At least for right now.

My 365 days begins on December 30th.  I will be starting with a big challenge right away because I’m working on a show the first 2 weeks in January, but I think I can do it.  I’m confident I can find a half hour, regardless of how hard the show may be, to take care of my yoga needs.

I will do my best to blog about my experience.  (I know, why believe me?  I’ve said this before…)

As far as a weight update goes… my November weigh-in showed me up 4 lbs, but down 1.4% body fat.  (Thanks yoga, bwack, bwack) I was happy with that.  But I had some injuries this month (um, and Thanksgiving) and so my December weigh-in showed the exact same weight as November, but more body fat.  I seem to be hovering right around this weight for a while now.  Who knows if I will ever hit the 100 lb mark.  But if I can hit the body fat percentage I’m aiming for, I’ll be happy.  Right now, I need to lose another 4.3%.

Only, this morning, I found that my knee was still hurting.  I don’t know if I mentioned last week that I had hurt my knee in my first yoga class.  I’ve been wearing a brace, taking aleve and icing when possible.  But it’s still hurting.  So now, I’m not sure what to do.  Do I wait it out and avoid the workouts until it heals?  Sounds sensible, but I seem to be rebelling against that idea.  I want to sweat, damnit!  Should I maybe go to the doctor?  Seems somewhat alarmist.  But he could tell me for sure what to do.  I’m going to have to decide quickly, because I am dying to get back to my workouts ASAP, but I don’t want to risk a more serious injury either.

Oy.

She didn’t believe me, so I pulled out my phone to show her my “before” picture on this blog.  It’s been a while since I looked at that picture.  And man, did seeing it again knock my proverbial socks off.  What a flippin change.  I really am a different person.  Almost unrecognizable.  I’m going to put it here again, along with the latest picture I published this week so you can see the difference as well.  I need to keep looking at that picture once in a while, to remind myself of how far I’ve come.

In other news, the yoga obsession continues.  Last Friday, I bought a five class pass to be used over the next 40 days.  Yeah… I used the last one this morning.   It’s a good thing I don’t have an obsessive personality.  Oh, wait…

Before

After

I wonder how long it will take before I stop imagining I have gained weight on a regular basis.  I looked in the mirror today and just felt fat.  Which I know I’m not anymore.  But some part of my head still sees extra weight everywhere I look.  I still put things on and inwardly sigh as I look in the mirror, wishing that I could get rid of that extra skin, or wonder when my stupid thighs are going to get smaller.

What if they never do shrink enough to make me happy?  Am I going to spend the rest of my life regretting all the bad decisions I made up until my 37th year of life?  How long will I have to be fit and healthy before I stop my habit of distorting my own image in my mind?

Some of today’s sadness stemmed from not going to the gym this morning as planned.  I did eventually make it there, but I didn’t really give my workout the all it deserves.  Granted, I did 90 min of hot yoga and 1 hour of pilates reformer class yesterday, so it’s not like I’ve been slovenly and slacking.  And yet, when I looked in the mirror, all I felt was an internal rebuke from my conscience.

How many jean sizes must a girl fall down before she can call herself thin? The answer is blowing in the wind.

So, as I say goodbye to you Ernie, my little furry friend, these are the moments I most remember.

• The first time we met, you just didn’t like me at all.  But the next morning, you climbed up on the couch with me and laid down right on top of me.
• Of course, everyone’s favorite moment.  When you got into the leftover turkey at Thanksgiving and your stomach pushed it back out all over Mom’s white carpet.
• The time we took you to the dog park in Chicago and we were still five blocks away when you realized where we were headed.  You whined and barked the rest of the way cause you were so excited to get there.
• How you always came to the door with your stuffed menorah in your mouth to greet me when I walked in.
• The way you curled up in such a comfy looking little ball while you slept.  I wish I could be that cozy in my sleep.
• The time you and Richie played at nana’s house.  (The only dog Rich has ever played with!) Rich was chasing you and you lept over the back of the couch and landed on the coffee table.  Rich had to go around the couch.  Too short to jump that high.  How embarrassing!
• I love that you never understood why a skunk you were chasing would turn on you and spray you.  I could practically hear your thoughts… “Why would you do that?  I was just trying to eat you.  I thought we were friends.”
• And best of all, the drive by licks.  The way you would just walk by and sneak in a quick lick of a leg as you cruised by.  Passing affection.  ‘Hey, just wanted you to know I love ya.  Gotta go.’

There’s a poem I found once when I first adopted Rich.  It’s a thought that gives me a lot of comfort today, but beware.  If you read it, you will cry.  Have some tissues handy…

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….

Author unknown…

Bye Ernie Bernie.  Watch out for skunks at the bridge.

I did work out seven days last week, so it’s obviously not a tragedy that I didn’t go (although last night’s dinner was off the charts bad) and todays’ food wasn’t bad at all.  Tomorrow I plan to go to hot yoga, then a reformer pilates class in the evening in addition to teaching, so really, it will all come out in the wash.  But still, it worries me that I may be manipulating myself right out of my routine.

Someday, I’m just going to have to learn to trust myself.  But my mother used to say, “Trust isn’t something that’s given.  It’s something that’s earned.”  And as far as the rational, responsible part of my brain is concerned, the rest of my brain hasn’t earned this trust yet.  Here’s hoping…

Cause I’ve never had anyone who didn’t know me before my biggest loser transformation compliment me on my physical fitness.  And for some reason, I felt like I needed to tell her that I hadn’t looked like this for very long, that this was a recent development and I spent most of my life hiding my body as much as possible.  I knew there was no reason for that kind of comment, so I kept it in.  But still, I just had such a hard time fighting the urge to turn around and make sure she wasn’t talking to someone behind me.  I wonder how long it will take before I’m able to just take a compliment like that without secretly feeling confused, thrilled and guilty all at the same time.  Or if I will ever take a compliment without feeling all those things.  Most women can’t take a compliment without qualifying it… why should I be any different?  Maybe that should be my new life goal.  To not only just say ‘Thank You’ out loud but also only allow myself to say ‘Thank You’ in my head as well?

2nd run at hot yoga today.  This time 90 min.  I said to my sister afterwards that 45 min in,  I was thinking, ‘UGH!  When is this over already?’  But by 55 min in, I was thinking ‘Okay, when can I come back?  How many days a week can I do this?  Can I cut out the gym completely?  This is so much more satisfying.’  Man, there is something about sweating like niagara falls that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished so much when it’s over.  But I will persevere and go to the gym tomorrow and wed.  Maybe yoga on Tu and Thur and Fri when I don’t have a party?  And maybe Sunday too.

UGH!  Anyone around here obsessive compulsive?

Wanna nap.

So, I did yoga once when I lived in LA and barely made it through.  Honestly, I remember gasping for breath and sitting out quite a few poses.  I’m sure I was at least 80 lbs heavier at the time than I am now, which probably accounted for my lack of balance.  And I remember waking up the next morning and, quite literally, not being able to get out of bed.  Every muscle hurt.  I couldn’t sit straight up cause my abs hurt.  I couldn’t roll onto my side cause my obliques hurt.  I couldn’t lift a knee so I could grab onto the back of it and propel myself forward because… wait for it… my abs AND my legs hurt.  It took days before I could sit down in the bathroom without wincing and yelling, “ow!ow!ow!” the whole way down.

Cut to last Sunday.  A client of mine had spent the whole week previous talking my ear off about Bikram yoga and everyone at my new gym is coocoo for coco puffs over yoga, so I figured I’d better try it.  I was worried about the head rush issue, but I figured if it got bad, I would just sit one out.

Okay, first of all, doing yoga in that room (which was kept at 109 degrees) was like doing yoga on the beach while the Santa Anas are blowing.  You Californians can feel me on that one, right?  Hot air comin’ at ya NON-STOP.  Not just hot air around you, but hot air BLOWING on you.  Turns out, I didn’t need to worry about getting dizzy when going from sitting to standing, because just standing still in that heat made me dizzy.  I made it a whole half hour into the 90 minute class and suddenly became quite certain that I was going to vomit all over the floor if I stayed in the room any longer.  I now understand why they tell you not to eat for two hours before class.  I left the room and sat on the bathroom floor with a cool towel on my forehead for a half hour, then went back for the last half hour.  It went better, but I was on the floor for most of it.

My first thought when leaving was that yoga is not for me.  But after my shower, I felt curiously energized.  Decided I would try it one more time.  I planned to go back to Bikram on Friday morning, but got the time mixed up.  So instead I went to Charlotte Yoga, which is so close to my house, it’s ridiculous and their Hot 26 class.  (Which is apparently for people who are recovering from a marathon, not named 26 because it has 26 poses.)

The room was a mere 103 degrees.  I practically needed a scarf and gloves.  But for some reason, this time, I had no dizzy spells, until the very end when we stood up really quickly.  I didn’t get nauseous.  And I did every freakin’ pose!  I was so proud of myself.  Not only did I do every pose, but when she would suggest ways to deepen the move and make it more difficult, I did that too.  I can’t believe I was able to keep up.  Remember, the first time I did yoga, in a room that was a normal temperature, I was just dying on the vine.  But here, in 103 degrees, I was keeping up with the class.  And this morning, I’m not even sore.  I am just baffled.

You know how sometimes on The Biggest Loser, at the end they make people wear a suit that weighs as much as the weight they lost and run around in it?  That’s what I kept thinking of during class (when I wasn’t busy thinking, how soon can I come back?)  All these years, I’ve looked at my weight as an issue with my appearance.  I knew intellectually that extra weight was bad for me physically, but that’s not why I wanted to lose.  I wanted to be able to shop in regular stores, wear clothes that were in the teens instead of the twenties, look good, feel good etc.  But I never thought about my body and how much harder it was working because of all the weight I carried.

Now, granted, I am teaching a lot and am infintly stronger than I have ever been at any point in my life and a lot of the strength I felt yesterday was the result of all that work.  And since I understand balance so much more, I was able to use my abs to keep myself upright in the more difficult poses that require a lot of balance.  But still… even with this same level of strength, if I hadn’t lost all that weight, I wouldn’t have made it halfway through.  Of course, let’s be honest.  If I hadn’t lost all that weight, I wouldn’t have stuck with teaching.

So in summation, almost every day since I began this journey, I have had a moment of delightful discovery with my appearance.  Feeling my hip bones.  Seeing my collar bones.  Dropping sizes.  Walking down an airplane isle without having to turn sideways to avoid hitting people.  Buying boots that come up over my calves.  But yesterday was a totally different kind of delight.  I know that there is very little limitation to what my body can do now.  There are some injuries to work around and stuff, and I am 37 years old.  But, for the most part, my body is capable of doing so much more with so much less effort.  I am thrilled, today.  Thrilled.

Can’t wait to get back to yoga tomorrow morning!  (Yes, Robin.  You were right…)